The Maze

Hello, Its me, Ive been bumped to square one again. It’s like life keeps rearranging the cards I had started to put in place. I have to start over like I always do, but every-time I have a do over I’m more self aware and authentic. Every time things are clearer, I see how the beautiful pieces of life come together, every face I have seen, every place I have been, every emotion I have felt are all a part of the jigsaw of life.

This calls for a  relevant question, perhaps one of the most important questions of our existence, ‘If everything is set in place, what’s the point of trying at all? Why should i try so hard if all these events that are supposed to happen to me eventually will regardless of my efforts?

I don’t have all the answers but ‘Dido’ might be on the brink of something in her song ‘Life For Rent’

‘If my life is for rent

And I don’t learn to buy

Well, I deserve nothing more than I get

Because nothing I have is truly mine’

  Dido, Life For Rent

I think the statement she is going for is most profound. If we think about it, life is what you put into it. If you rent life then you will never really own it. It then becomes a life for someone else to rent. If we are so afraid of doing everything we must in order to become what we want to be then that’s not living at all, that is renting life.

To love is to risk not being loved in return, To hope is to risk pain; But risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.

So here I am again. Point A, regrouping, giving myself a kick ass speech like the one a coach gives his team when they are down by a few goals and the other team is dominating. Giving it a go with better strategies than the previous round.My Soul maturing every time, purpose starting to surface, tracing some the pieces of the jigsaw that have already fallen into place. Realizing that I still have a way to go to understand the complexities of this living.

I figure that taking full control of all that is handed to me,owning up to all the ways i have royally messed up and learning how to buy life and not simply rent it is a good place to start.

 ‘Life is no straight and easy corridor along which we travel free and unhampered,but a maze of passages through which we must seek our way.

But always, if we have faith, a door will open for us,

Not perhaps the one we ourselves would have ever thought of, but one that will ultimately prove good for us.’

A.J. Cronin

boxes

maxresdefaultBoxes.  What do you think of when you think of the word box? Literally its basically a container.When you hear that something is put in a box? Do you think of how it craves for liberation?? How it yearns to be put out there?? To breath the free air?? To just be let out to see if it’s ready to go back to the box or if it’s willing to fight for its place outside?? Is it bold enough to accept all the cruel realities outside the box?? Is it possibly the final piece of the jigsaw puzzle that those outside the box are trying to complete??

Boxes are restrictive. Sometimes people allow themselves to be put in boxes. Your parents tell you that they’ll never consider you as successful if you do not follow their paths. ‘You have to be a doctor, it’s very rewarding and prestigious and I feel like you would be someone if you pursued that’. You’re probably the next Picasso or Da Vinci .You know art. You emulate it. It feeds your soul. It makes you feel alive. It redefines you. It surprises you because of how much you can express yourself through it. It makes you feel serenity. It makes you feel everything. You would fold all your cards for it. It’s your ace in a deck of cards. They don’t get it though. You will never reveal this to them. You go through all the anatomy, physiology and biochemistry and you pray to God that you at least get some passion in it. You try. You really do. They tell you that there’s humanity in medicine . You don’t get the magic.Your magic is in the canvas. The paint.

 

The-Scream

 

 

 

 

You’re in high school. High school is where  you try to fit in, find your own circle. There are diverse personalities around. Some of them are artistic, others are extremely smart and the rest are very good at fashion. You are not good at either of those things. You try all these things to see if you can be good at least at one of them in order to fit in. Disappointment comes in. You suck at all those. You start to feel as if you were not rewarded with enough talents. They rub it in your face, how insufficient you are. How you’re not good at anything. It stings. You cry your eyes off. You feel sorry for yourself. Their ideals mean more to you than yours. Yours are crap. Garbage. Nobody cares about who you really are anyways. You put up this cool front;people like it. You fake it until they believe that’s who you really are. Deep down you know that you’re a hypocrite.

 

teenager trapped

 

 

You understand him. You are the only person that can get through to him. When it’s just you and him, it makes sense. When it’s just you and him in a room, it’s perfect. You feel like you’re saving each other. He’s wealthy, his family knows all the right people in all the right places. They expect him to find someone equally influential. You are an ordinary girl; you come from a humble place, all your values are grounded. They are real values. You don’t judge according to paychecks or house decor. You use heart. Heart is your truth. They don’t get how someone who grew up with so much sophistication can be amazed by such a simple girl. Yours is the love that Shakespeare writes tonnes of stories on. Jerry Maguire proclaims of how it completes people. Your love is an impossible one because both of you are supposed be with other people of your caliber. You’re stuck in boxes that you don’t fit in.

dicksee-romeo_and_juliet

Successful career. Corner office.Fattest paycheck. Office with the best view. What gender holds this position though? We’re living in a time when it can go either way. Affirmative action, 0h yeah. You guessed right. Women are so empowered it’s fascinating. Women are smart, talented and versatile. Heck, We are rooting for the next leader of the free world to be a woman. It’s a progressive world. We have come a long way. Proved ourselves despite adversities. Think about it though, if a woman gets there because we want to break stereotypes isn’t it a bit hypocritical?. See it becomes complicated if women still want to use their feminine  asses and boobs assets to get ahead.It also gets complicated when women fail to get a position and blame it on being female. What if women are overplaying the equality card? Are we in a box of self entitlement because of our sex?

I say we shatter these boxes. Interfere with their firmness. Break free from all their constraints. Find out how well outside the box is.Better yet,lets think like there are no boxes.No standard way of measuring success.The sky then becomes the limit.

 

 

no box

When you replace your values just to fit in you begin a path of unhealthy relationships and misery. Everything sounds rehearsed. If there’s something we want to do but can’t because it’s scary, that makes it all the worth pursuing because of the great rewards to be attained from its success.

Think about it. Who are you really deep down?? What do you aspire to do?? Can you go for it?You see when don’t chase our true passions  we leave a part of ourselves behind.

What part of you have you been leaving behind?

Magnets

Independent.  Predictable. Made entirely of flaws but pieced together by good intentions. Waiting for a white horsed  prince.  Romeo.   Playing cards with him. Letting him win because damn it she was one hell of a poker player. Better than the best. It would be cute if a guy could beat her,He would probably have to consult the octopus which apparently decided the winner of the world cup. Octopus are smart, she thought. they have opinions and distinct personalities.

Mercedes Benz. She knew very little about cars but one thing she was sure about was that she loved benzes. The more  retro, the better. She drove her Benz, knowing that she had a date with destiny that day. The defining  moment. The world is a stage and she was ready to play her part. Not the sad one like Antonio (The Merchant of Venice).Not anymore. Things had never been this clear before.

Sherbatsky was at it again. She had let all she wanted speed right past her while she was rooted firmly to the ground. Never again. This is what all her life had been leading to..Him.; Talking loads, nervous touches, tracing her fingers on his beautiful face.  Healing his lost soul.

Teaching her new how to not take shit from anyone. On her worst days he held her. The days she felt like the world owed her happiness he gave her tough love. She was becoming used to being with him. His cocky grin was addictive.

He somehow disarmed her.

He was an ordinary guy. Built.Good career ahead. Why would the women not flock to get to him? Every morning he had a woman in his bed. Always had their hair in his face and a dead arm because he insisted on them sleeping in his arms. He was different, smart and always knew how to hit it right. The truth was that he was a hypocrite. He wanted nothing more than to fit in. Be cool to them,not just another ordinary corporate guy. Be the jock. But he wasn’t. Deep down he was the sweetest guy on earth, didnt care for casual flings. Yearned  for deeper attachments. He would never in his wildest dreams admit to this. Sara had broken him. Left him  feeling nothing. She was his whole world. Sherbatsky was nothing but a casual distraction that he was going to hit and quit.

Motorcycle. He had become accustomed to riding it everywhere he went. With his top hat and long hair he was the definition of a rugged bad boy. She’s so different from me though, Sherbatsky, he thought to himself. Always coming around and his world would be spinning round .  Always making him question his sanity.  Always telling him to be more in touch with his emotions. He hated her guts though. Calling him out on his insecurities. She liked to call them perfect imperfections. Sticking a knife to his heart and stabbing it a thousand times.  Finding a way to heal it with her gentlest touch. Sherbatsky was starting to become his Achilles heel, she always knew how to make him feel like he could do anything. Be anything. She was his muse.Being himself was good enough for her, .She had left scars though, ran away with another guy when he had tried his best to make her happy. Never again, he swore to himself.  ‘I will never speak to that woman again. All she does is take my heart through the rock more times than I can imagine΄. Sometimes he lived for her. He would have died for her.

Serendipity.  A place that only they knew.  A place that was OK for them to be themselves. A place they waged wars but one of them always came out doing the victory dance. Winning wasn’t important though, being on the same page was. He once said that the only thing that was real between them was the mutual strong dislike they had for each other.. Well strong dislike is better than feeling nothing she countered. Where did she come up with all these theories.. .He was intrigued.

Hungry eyes. Hungry lips.. Hungry tongues. Hungry hearts. Waiting to be claimed.curious hands roaming..All over. Finding answers. Understanding the mystery of it all. Waiting for so long.. The time is now.. Date with destiny.. He was not falling for this again. Her tempting lips were not going to be his downfall this time. She knew all his weaknesses though, why had he opened up to her? She put her hand on his. Slowly.  Ignore! Stupid heart, do not feel!!Let her down easy. Damn it, she was now staring at him like he had all the answers to the universe. Her elegant mouth,all the  contours of her toungue were edged deep in his memory. Hed tasted it a hundred times but he wanted more. Just one kiss.. No! Must resist! Think of mood killers., Just one kiss and you send her on her way!

No, let me go. All you do is hurt me’ He said in between kisses. I’m letting you go ‘ She responded. I really don’t want you here ‘ He said, biting her lower lip. I know, I’m leaving in a minute ‘.She said, tugging at his shirt, fumbling with the buttons. Two  hearts.  One soul.

She knew what she was going to tell him. They had hurt each other, burnt all the bridges but their chemistry was undeniable. We live through scars this time, my love. She told him. Is this one of those loopy things you tell me? I’m not falling for that again! ‘He replied. .she put her hands on his chest. Is that how you really feel? You need to own up to how you really feel’……Just like that all the memories came flooding in. All the times they had been right for each other, being together in silence and not needing sound to communicate. All the times she had held him when he was lifeless, when he could feel dead inside. All the things they had promised they would do together when she was ready to give him a chance. She used to have a rabbit heart back then. Her insecurities crippled her. He was the smartest person she knew and she could barely get her shit together. She wasn’t worth much; she thought to herself. Security in a relationship that would lead nowhere was a better bet than risking it all.

Why did you do it? He said, unable to look at  her. I’d just told you that I was in love. Why did you run away with him? Did I mean nothing to you? ‘.Teary eyed she confessed, I’m sorry. Sometimes I don’t do grown up things. I second guess everything and if I’m not in control I sabotage. ‘ She tugged at his chest. Touched his face, traced the outline of his nose. He closed his eyes so she kissed them.

‘You don’t just get to leave and come back to my life as you please  He deadpanned. It hurt so bad I had to search my body for the entry point where love went in, ricocheted, bounced around and left a hole when you walked out. ‘.Am sorry Marshall, I wasn’t ready to let go of my fears. Trust me, we wouldn’t have lasted back then, I had to work out so many issues ‘ She said. He believed her because she always wore her heart on her sleeve. But it was too late. He loved her a little less everyday, it transformed into hate then it hit the indifferent phase. I’m glad you’re for going after things you want but you had to lose me to be able to be bold enough to Know that failure is part of it all’

Her phone began to ring. She was numb, it felt like that ring was coming from another dimension of space. It’s your boss,  you should take it’. He told her. Please don’t shut me out again Marshall. I can’t lose you, not like this. ‘ she said, tears almost blinding her. He dried her tears and handed her the phone. Pick it up, it could be important .So she picked up, her eyes never leaving his. Halo. Yeah. OK. I’ll think about it. OK, thank you sir. Good evening too.

So my boss tells me that a new position just opened overseas for someone to head the nothern division. He says he wants me to take it. She said. She started to think about how the universe gives us little signs on what direction we should take..Perhaps this was the future that was calling…